Sliding, Deciding, and Building Love the Right Way

For me, marriage preparation has completely changed my perspective on relationships. Before this, I often thought love was mostly about feelings and interaction, something that just “happens” naturally. However, through our readings and class discussions, I now realize that love, especially the kind that leads to marriage, has to be built intentionally. It’s not just about what you feel; rather, it's about how you choose to grow with someone, step by step.

This idea became even clearer in class when we learned about the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM), which outlines the proper order in which to build a healthy connection: Know → Trust → Rely on → Commit → Touch.

The RAM model is simple, yet profoundly powerful. Its effectiveness lies in the fact that it shows you can’t skip steps or reverse the order without risking serious consequences. Sadly, our dating culture often overlooks this principle, frequently turning the model upside down. Many people, for instance, rush into physical affection or serious commitment before they’ve truly gotten to know or trust the person. As a direct result, these relationships often face confusion and emotional pain.

A significant number of my friends begin exclusive relationships far too early, which leads them to become emotionally and even physically attached before they’ve taken the time to truly understand who the other person is. When that happens, people tend to drift along without direction. As a result, they fail to pause and ask critical questions like: Does this relationship genuinely help me grow spiritually? Are we truly compatible long-term?

This brings me to something that stood out to me this week—Elder Dallin H. Oaks’ talk, "Dating vs. Hanging Out." In it, he powerfully reminded us that dating should be intentional. His words, “A date is a planned activity that allows a young man and a young woman to get to know each other better,” prompted me to reflect deeply on my dating habits. It made me consider whether I am genuinely being intentional or just spending time with others without a clear purpose.

Love connects to the traits of preside, provide, and protect. These interrelated qualities bring strength and security to a relationship. Recognizing their importance helped me understand that compatibility is not just about shared hobbies or interests. Rather, true compatibility includes emotional maturity, gospel-centered goals, strong communication, and a shared vision for the future. This broader view of compatibility aligns closely with the RAM model, which gives us a structured way to understand over time. Trust and commitment can only be genuine when built on a solid foundation of truly knowing the other person.

My own culture shapes views on relationships and compatibility. Growing up in India, dating is not discussed as openly as it is in the U.S. Marriages are often arranged or heavily influenced by family involvement. While this approach fosters loyalty and commitment, it can sometimes overlook emotional bonding or personal compatibility. On the other hand, Western culture emphasizes independence and romantic excitement but may not always prioritize spiritual readiness. Gospel offers a better, balanced approach, one that blends family values with intentional preparation, leading to stronger, more purposeful marriages.

To conclude, I want to approach dating with true intention. I don’t want to slide into relationships simply because they feel convenient or pressured. Instead, I want to make conscious, thoughtful decisions that lead to spiritual growth, emotional connection, and lasting love. I plan to follow the RAM model with purpose, build love patiently, and prepare for a marriage that is not only joyful but also eternal.

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