Family Isn’t Fixed: How Awareness Helped Me Understand and Grow

    Since I grew up in India, I used to think that families were all similar, parents made decisions, kids listened, and the older one became, the more one sacrificed. As I’ve been studying family dynamics more deeply now, especially through Family Systems Theory and genogram analysis, I’ve realized how many secret rules and hidden patterns govern our daily family life, often without us even knowing. I share this with friends back home who might also find themselves caught in these patterns or who may begin to recognize them in their own families.

    Family Systems Theory views the family not as a collection of individuals, but as a living system where the behavior of one member affects all the others. If one part changes, the rest of the system reacts. It’s like gears in a machine; if one gear turns, the rest begin to move as well. This theory highlights roles, boundaries, feedback loops, and the idea that families strive to maintain stability (or "homeostasis"), even when that stability isn’t always healthy.

    In my own family, there were hundreds of rules never spoken aloud but still universally respected. Rules like: “Don’t answer back to authority,” “Personal goals take second place to household needs,” “Men don’t cry,” and “We don’t discuss challenges in the household.” These weren’t written down, but they were enforced through actions, expectations, and consequences. They often held us together, but at times, they also created tension or emotional pressure that was hard to express.

    Recently, I watched an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond and noticed how the parents, Marie and Frank, used feedback loops to reward or manipulate behavior. Marie shows affection when her family follows her rules and uses guilt or emotional withdrawal when they don’t. It reminded me of similar patterns I’ve seen in Indian families, where emotional closeness is sometimes used to maintain control. It’s not necessarily bad; it’s just a pattern we absorb almost unconsciously.

    One of the most eye-opening tools I’ve encountered this week is the genogram. Unlike a traditional family tree, a genogram maps emotional connections, conflicts, and patterns across generations. As I created a basic genogram of my relatives, I noticed how certain dynamics, like who people turn to for advice, had persisted across decades. It helped me see just how interconnected we are, and where I might need to break a cycle in my own future family.

    Family Systems Theory offers explanations for many experiences we live through but don’t talk about, especially in Indian families. Why does one cousin always try to keep the peace? Why is the older sister expected to care for everyone, even if no one explicitly says so? These roles aren’t random; they’re part of a system. Becoming aware of these systems isn’t about blaming our families. It’s about understanding them, so we can make more intentional, informed choices.

    Learning about family systems and building a genogram allowed me to see my family not just through memories, but through patterns and reasons. It helped me recognize both the strengths and the challenges in how we interact. Most of all, it gave me more empathy for my parents and siblings and made me feel hopeful about building healthier relationships in the future. To friends in India, I’d suggest this: try sketching out the roles and unspoken rules in your own family. You might uncover something powerful hiding in plain sight.

    If there’s one thing I hope readers take away from this, it’s this: your family is not a fixed story. It’s a living, dynamic system. You don’t have to keep repeating patterns just because they’re familiar. With awareness and intention, you can write a new chapter, one where empathy, openness, and self-awareness shape your family culture.